


What Happened in Hawaii Stays in Hawaii

by Two_Guns_And_A_Knife



Series: The Number Game [1]
Category: Stephanie Plum - Janet Evanovich
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-15
Updated: 2012-08-15
Packaged: 2017-11-12 04:40:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 7,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/486793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Two_Guns_And_A_Knife/pseuds/Two_Guns_And_A_Knife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What really happened in Hawaii?  Was there a fight? Who ended up in the hospital?Please note that this story is also named "Enough Nonsense Eighteen", and has nothing whatsoever to do with "Nonsense Nineteen".  Theme Song: "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Glass Jaw Joe

He decides to fly to Hawaii on the earliest flight possible to surprise the lovely young woman with turquoise blue eyes and wild brown curls. He plans to drop down to one knee at her hotel room door and propose. Her mother was all smile and joyful tears when she told him the room number. He smiles at the beautiful white gold ring with a diamond he just bought in a local jewelry store. He can't wait to put this ring on her slender finger and start their happy family together.

He arrives at her hotel room before dawn and knocks gently on the door, and almost faints on the spot when a half naked perfect muscular Mocha Latte man answers the door (with a pair of black boxers riding sexily and dangerously low on his hips, of course). Oh yes now he can finally see what has been going on between the woman he flew all the way across the country and open sea to marry and this crazy mercenary. Without thinking he roars and charges toward his archenemy, and then wakes up hours and hours later in a nearby hospital with his hands cuffed to the bed rails.

The Hawaiian police officers in charge of the questioning and interrogation can't help but snort. What was this dumb bastard thinking attacking a former special forces officer who's the elite of the elite, the best of the best, eats drug lords and their thugs as snacks, and slams villains and criminals into walls for pleasure? You think you can do him any damage by engaging him in a silly fist fight? Man, are you fucking serious? You're damn lucky he just knocked you out colder than a dead frozen fish within 1 second with one single punch and called the police. ****

 **-** **END of Punch 1: Glass Jaw Joe** **-**

 


	2. Black on Black Hawaiian Shirt

"Babe," He sighs.

She stares up in utter disbelief and embarrassment at the perfect bare ass belonging to the 6'1" Mocha Latte purest of pure male perfection standing frozen right in front of her. "Uh, sorry." She can't believe she just tripped over the sheet she's wrapped around herself, reached out both hands in panic trying to grasp something to steady herself, and ended up pulling Ranger's black boxers all the way down to his ankles. "Nice ass."

It takes a very, very special man to not look silly in this situation. But luckily, Ricardo Carlos Manoso happens to be one of them. So he simply bends down and calmly pulls up his boxers and goes to answer the door. And, with one single punch, knocks a hairy Trenton Police detective out colder than a dead frozen fish in under one minute and calls the police.

**-END of Punch 2: Black on Black Hawaiian Shirt-**


	3. Hula Dance on Waikiki Beach

"What do you mean you don't want to marry me?" She waves her arms wildly and shrieks at the top of her lungs. "I have gone through HELL just to put that freaking ring on your freaking finger and now you're playing freaking hard to get?" Great, now she's beyond royally freaking pissed.

He narrows his beautiful midnight dark brown eyes slightly and takes a step toward her slowly and purposely.

Hastily she takes steps after steps backward away from him until her back touches the wall. All her anger evaporates in the blink of an eye as if by magic, and the void it left is quickly replaced by sheer panic. Okay, maybe shouting like crazy at Ranger is not a very good idea. It is not very polite, after all, and he really, really hates it when people hang up on him, or shout at him. She thinks to herself desperately, looking everywhere but into his tiger-in-hunting-mode eyes. Damn, how does he manage to radiate danger and look totally mouth-watering edible at the same time? She considers moaning but squeaks instead when his warm rock-hard perfect muscular body presses her flat against the wall.

"If by 'gone through hell' you mean conspiring with your FTA, luring me all the way here to Hawaii, and talking me into playing house with you by pretending we were married, Stephanie, I think I need to explain to you what 'hell' really means. And after that, we will start talking about marriage."

**-END of Punch 3: Hula Dance on Waikiki Beach-**


	4. izza with Pineapples on Top

Hawaii. Golden sand. Swaying palms. Bright moonlight. Glistening stars. Gentle breeze. Deep blue sea. She and Ranger. All alone on the romantic beach. Panting. Nope, Ranger was not joking when he said he'll explain to her what "hell" really means.

He pinned her to the wall with his perfect body, kissed her senseless, made her all hot and bothered, and then dragged her out for a 5-mile midnight run in the paradise for lovers. And she's the one who's doing all the panting, mind you. She really, really wants to kill her conspirator with bare hands. The FTA, a 5' 9" redhead green-eyed drag queen who looks like a strange combination of Shrek and Derek Jeter, ratted her out the second Ranger put the handcuffs on his (or her?) wrists. And now Ranger is angry with her for lying to him.

Why does nothing ever go right in her life? She wants to sigh but is too busy panting. She looks longingly at the Cuban Sex God running steadily and gracefully not too far in front of her. Oh yes, he does have the most delicious, perfect butt. She's about to smirk when her eyes catches a glimpse of the shining gold ring around his ring finger. And all of a sudden Stephanie knows what she's going to do. She's gone through hell just to put that ring on him, and she's never gonna let him take it off. NEVER!

**-END of Punch 4: Pizza with Pineapples on Top-**


	5. Batman, Lehua Leis and Kisses

All her resolves dissolve the moment she sees Ranger's right hand start to pull off his ring. She flings herself into his arms in a fit of extreme panic and bursts into pitiful tears. She tries to speak but chokes on sobs instead. "Please...please..." is all she can manage to stammer out pleadingly. She really hates to act like a stupid crybaby in front of the Man of Mystery but now is not the time to bother about image. She can't let Ranger take off the ring. He was not kidding when he told her he could make her forget all her unreasonably obsessive and immature crush on a childhood fantasy. She was just being too stubborn and too much a coward to grow up and face reality.

Without a word Ranger tightens his arms around Stephanie's shaking body. He was just teasing her but now all of a sudden he feels guilty. Marriage is the only option for their future together because he won't allow the woman he loves to become a topic of the notoriously merciless Burg gossips. He knows she wants him, she needs him, and she loves him deeply. Yes, he wants her to be happy. But he's really not ready to make such a big leap. And having a ring wrapped around his finger makes him utterly uncomfortable and uneasy, and honestly, it gives him the creeps. He lets out a sigh and, for the first time in his life, feels his eyes begin to twitch.

**-END of Punch 5: Batman, Lehua Leis and Kisses-**


	6. Jaws in the Deep Blue Sea

The tall hairy patient with a nasty concussion and a broken jaw lies in the hospital bed wondering what went wrong. Yes, they fought with each other all the time. Yes, they couldn't live under the same roof for more than three months. Yes, there was definitely something really unusual between she and that crazy bastard. But she always came back to him. She always came back. That was the reason why he went to that jewelry store and bought that diamond ring. He is the one who led her into that dark smelly garage when she was six. He is the one who ten years later took her virginity. He is her childhood fantasy. She always had an almost obsessive crush on him. No matter what happened, she always came back to him. No. He won't give up that easily. He can't let her go to Manoso just like this. Joseph Morelli is no loser. He'll fight for his own happiness. He'll put that ring on Stephanie's finger and claim her his. Because deep down in the beating heart inside that super hairy chest, he knows she'll come back. Yes, he'll make her come back to him!

**-END of Punch 6: Jaws in the Deep Blue Sea-**


	7. Sharing Your Orgasmic Kona Coffee With Batman

"I love and care for you, Babe, but I'm not sure about marriage. I married Rachel out of obligation because of Julie. The moment the divorce papers were signed, I took off the ring and handed it over for Rachel to give both rings to Julie when she's old enough. To be honest, I don't even know if I'm cut out for marriage. Maybe someday I'll find out the answer. But right now I'm afraid marriage is not an option yet." Ranger tells Stephanie gently when she finally calms down and stops crying. "And I can't just let you fall victim to the Burg gossips."

Stephanie tightens her arms around his waist and sighs in frustration. She really needs to stop wetting Ranger's sleek black shirt with snot and tears. And so much for "if you like it then you should put a ring on it". She's grateful Ranger's being honest with her though...Suddenly, something rings loudly in her head. And for the first time in her life, Stephanie Plum begins to think as clearly and effectively as Albert Einstein. 2.5 minutes later, she looks up at Ranger with bright, dancing eyes and a most beautiful smile. See, she can be real smart and clever if she puts some effort into it!

Marriage is not an option **yet**. And who says there can be no **other options**?

**-END of Punch 7: Sharing Your Orgasmic Kona Coffee With Batman-**


	8. Spectacular Samoan Fire Knife Dance

After some serious haggling and negotiation, the two parties finally reach an agreement. They then cut the deal and seal it first with a sincere handshake (he finally gives in to her insistence after his first ever eye roll) and then with a long, passionate yet tenderly loving kiss. The next day they wake up entangled with each other one hour before noon, and start packing right after lunch on the beautiful sunny beach. They'll take the last flight tonight back home and fulfill their deal.

Ranger finishes packing in the blink of an eye while Stephanie keeps on struggling in vain with her clothes, shoes, gifts and souvenirs for friends and families. Five minutes and thirty seconds later, after she curses for the tenth time in a very unladylike way, two muscular Mocha Latte arms slip around Stephanie's waist, picks her up from the floor, and drop her gently on the bamboo couch by the window. She looks on in wide-eyed amazement as Ranger expertly and systematically packs all those too colorful Hawaiian shirts, scaringly floral Muumuu dresses, Kona coffee beans and macadamia chocolates along with her stuff into her suitcase in under six minutes. He sits down beside her, ruffles her hair with one large hand and graces her with his 1000 Watt smile.

"Yes, Alfred taught me how to pack, Babe."

Damn ESP!

**-END of Punch 8: Spectacular Samoan Fire Knife Dance -**


	9. Dead Volcano Coughs Out Puffs of Smoke

" **This! Is! HAWAII!** "

The 6' 5", 250-pound, handsome, muscular Samoan cop roars, kicks the plastic chair into the wall, and turns back to stare down at a gaping and almost deafened Morelli with fierce bulging cold onyx-black eyes for a moment longer than comfortable. He then bursts out laughing heartily along with his Samuel Jackson look-alike colleague. "Sorry, just want to make my point that we can't just cut you some slack and let you walk away without facing the justice system simply because you're a Jersey cop." He flashes Morelli a charming white-tooth grin. "See, we do have laws here in Hawaii, and you did attack, or should I say attempted to attack Mr. Manoso. The hotel's surveillance camera caught everything on tape from the hallway. And by the way, we have some decent lawyers here too." With a cheerful "Aloha!" the two Hawaiian police officers walk out of the special ward saved for criminals and prisoners without a backward glance.

Trenton police detective Joseph A. Morelli lies frozen in his narrow hospital bed with both hands still cuffed to the bedrails. Damn, he really, really wants to grind his teeth in cold fury to show the world his determination to take revenge. If only his broken jaw is not such a bitch...

**-END of Punch 9:** **Dead Volcano Coughs Out Puffs of Smoke** **-**


	10. Paradise, Hawaiian Style

Helen Plum's eyes bulge at the sight of the beautiful ocean blue Hawaiian sea glass ring on Stephanie's ring finger. This is not the white gold diamond ring Joseph Morelli bought her daughter! Her eyes quickly dart to the tall muscular Mocha Latte man sitting quietly beside her younger daughter. She breaths out a mental sigh of relief. There is no ring on his ring finger. She calmly finishes pouring the steaming, fragrant Kona coffee for everyone and goes right back into the kitchen for the plate of freshly baked cookies.

 _Where is Joseph? Why isn't he here? Did he not drop down to his knee and propose to Stephanie at her hotel room door?_ Helen places the plate on the table and takes her seat. _Why is Ranger's arm wrapping so intimately around Stephanie's shoulders? And OH MY GOD did I just caught Stephanie putting her hand on his thigh out of the corner of my eyes?_

Grandma comes out of her room, holds her head up proudly and twirls twice to show off her Muumuu dress like Gisele on the runway. Frank grimaces at his mother-in-law, mutters something under his breath and concentrates back on the coffee, the cookies, and his box of macadamia chocolates. Helen Plum picks up a cookie and starts chewing numbly. Her family keeps on laughing, eating and chatting happily, but she sees, hears and feels nothing. All she can think of is WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED IN HAWAII?

**-END of Punch 10: Paradise, Hawaiian Style -**


	11. Orange Jumpsuit in Blue Hawaii

What can a father do when your little girl always wants the crazy things? Frank Plum nods a brief goodbye to his younger daughter and the quiet young man he kind of likes, and turns back to his TV. He never says much about the men in Stephanie's life because she's a grown woman and it is, after all, her life. But he did ask Stephanie if she was sure Dickie Orr was the right man for her. The moment she broke into a beautiful shy happy smile, Frank knew he had no choice but to hold his tongue. You can't just tell a woman in love that she's in love with the wrong man. And the problem with Stephanie is she never ever listens to reason and advice even if she knows you are right. She's simply too stubborn and, Frank lets out a sigh, sometimes as crazy as his mother-in-law.

So, 15 seconds after he walked her down the aisle, she came back home all tears and fury and divorced. And as to that Morelli boy...no, he doesn't want to talk about Joe Morelli. What kind of man will steal his girlfriend's father's cookies? Frank frowns in disgust at the unpleasant memory. He has absolutely no whatsoever idea what Stephanie saw in that little scumbag. And this Ranger seems like a smart and decent man. He has his own security business and gives Stephanie expensive cars all the time. And as much as Frank Plum is unwilling to admit, he'd love to test drive one of those shining sleek black German cars sometime. And no, he won't mind having Ranger as his son-in-law. Frank Plum keeps on watching his TV and popping macadamia chocolates into his mouth, totally unaware that right now inside the kitchen, his frustrated and desperate wife almost screams like a crazy banshee when she once again calls the hairy Italian Stallion but only gets the voicemail.

**-END of Punch 11: Orange Jumpsuit in Blue Hawaii-**


	12. Rain Forests Surround Our King Size Bed

The only thing Ranger and Stephanie couldn't agree on was what they had between them. Was it an unofficial official relationship? Was it an official unofficial relationship? Or did they even have a relationship? After a 3-minute headache break, they decided to put the disagreement aside and concentrate on working out a solution for their real dilemma. And they finally made it.

So they boarded the plane and flew back to Trenton. And Stephanie actually crawled on top of Ranger and growled like a rabid lioness when the half-naked shameless bleached blonde across the aisle turned (for the 6th time in 58.5 seconds, mind you!) seductively in the business class seat to flash him her definitely **FAKE** 38E boobs. Stephanie gave Ranger her best Burg Glare when his mouth-watering perfect body began to shake with silent laughter beneath her. However, by the time the plane landed at Newark Airport, Stephanie didn't even remember the bimbo's existence, and her plane phobia was also cured. Yes, wrapping safely in the strong, muscular arms of your own personal Cuban Sex God for more than 10 hours on the flight home would surely do you magic.

A totally awake and alert Ranger and a yawning, still half-dreaming Stephanie got off the plane, collected their luggage, left the airport and returned to the 7th floor apartment on Haywood Street, and thus officially started their new life as a not-yet-married-but-someday-maybe-if-we-are-both-real-comfortable-and-ready-so-fuck-off-stupid-Burg-gossips couple together.

**-END of Punch 12: Rain Forests Surround Our King Size Bed-**


	13. A Lonely Island in the Open Sea

Grandma Bella is very upset. Someone has been interrupting her TV watching for the past two hours by calling the Morelli residence non-stop. She has to answer the God damn phone because her daughter-in-law is not at home. She and a couple of her friends went to Atlantic City to have some fun yesterday afternoon, so Grandma Bella is all alone by herself. And every time she picks up the phone, she can only hear some indistinguishable murmuring coming from the other end of the line. And that annoys the hell out of her.

"Hello? Hello?" Grandma Bella yells into the phone impatiently. Again she can hear nothing but the low whispering voice. Right at this moment, something inside her snaps, and she finally loses her famous hot Italian temper. She screams into the phone, puts the EYE on the moron who calls, unplugs the phone, and restarts her **Twilight** DVD for the 13th time and smiles dreamily at the handsome vampire on the screen. Now nobody is going to disturb Bella's special time with her darling precious Edward any more.

Joseph A. Morelli tries to call his mother's house again. He's sick and tired and his broken jaw is killing him. This is his precious One Call, and he has absolutely whatsoever no idea why Grandma Bella keeps hanging up on him. He's her favorite, isn't he?

**-END of Punch 13: A Lonely Island in the Open Sea-**


	14. Tequila, Sunrise, and Hawaii

Stephanie's current queen size bed has to go. The mattress has a creepy human shaped dent in the middle, and the bed frame wobbles and groans like a zombie whenever Stephanie rolls over in her sleep and shocks her awake consequently. And who knows how many crazy FTAs and psycho stalkers have taken a nap in it after delivering all those threatening letters and creepy gifts? And don't even mention those Morelli cooties, please. There's no way she's going to let Ranger sleep in that thing at least one night per week. It is a matter of her female pride and dignity, you see. She needs to go shop for a good-quality bed ASAP, and maybe a new couch that won't fart whenever someone sits on it, and some ultra sexy, spicy lingerie from Victoria's Secret...So she waves goodbye to Grandma, turns in the passenger seat of the Turbo to face the man who once said he's got the weight and the muscle but she's got the power, and bats her eyelashes coyly. "Do I have enough power to persuade you to take me shopping now?"

"Babe,"

**-END of Punch 14: Tequila, Sunrise, and Hawaii-**


	15. Who Wants to Go Cliff Jumping in Hawaii?

What can a worried mother do when your 30-something divorced younger daughter stubbornly refuses to grow up and give up all those ridiculous, unrealistic dreams like everyone else?

Helen Plum bangs her aching head on the dining room table for one more time. She's dying to know what the hell happened to Joseph Morelli and his stupid diamond ring. She has no idea where her mother is. Frank is snoring like a train in front of the TV in the living room. Her bottle of Wild Turkey is empty. 57 friends, neighbors and relatives have kindly called. The phone is now unplugged, of course. And please stop asking her why that tall dark muscular bounty hunter Ranger bought a bed, a couch and all those spicy sexy lingerie for Stephanie. She really, really doesn't want to know the answer to that question. Although she suspects that she already did.

**-END of Punch 15: Who Wants to Go Cliff Jumping in Hawaii?-**


	16. Waltz in Your Muumuu Dress

The 5' 9" red-haired green-eyed man who looks like a strange combination of Shrek and Derek Jeter pulls his Yankees cap lower to cover his bruised face and keeps glancing behind nervously to see if anyone is following him. He didn't have the chance to call his new friend Stephanie before fleeing his apartment. He doesn't have her business card with him and he broke his iPhone when using it as a weapon to smack one of his attackers on the head. Now he'll have to find a way to warn her as soon as possible and apologize for dragging her into this terrible mess. He says a silent prayer as he walks past a Catholic church. He hopes with all his heart that the super hot bounty hunter he and Stephanie successfully lured to Hawaii will keep her safe. He then half runs, half walks across the street when the traffic light finally turns green, and quickly loses himself in the busy New York crowd.

Too bad he never takes notice of the tall blonde woman who keeps on following him quietly and discreetly. And she looks nothing like Tom Cruise or Ashton Kutcher, by the way.

**-END of Punch 16: Waltz in Your Muumuu Dress-**


	17. Do Not Sleep Under Coconut Trees!

"I PAID for the couch and the bed!" Stephanie yells in annoyance. But her faithful sidekick only smirks like a shark and points one finger at her.

"Are you confessing to the court that Batman picked and bought all those hot sexy undies and nighties for you, Ms. Plum?" Lula surely has learned a lot from all those law dramas on TV. She says triumphantly as Stephanie, who happens to smell just like Ranger, blushes fiercely.

Connie giggles and fans herself with both hands. Her blood red long pointed fingernails are starting to give Stephanie a serious headache. What kind of name is "Sheriff of Area 5" for a nail polish really? Stephanie rolls her eyes and takes another bite of her fifth doughnut. Yes, she's an anxious eater, and now she's more than a little nervous. She has been waiting for her mother's call ever since stepping into Victoria's Secret with Ranger yesterday. Val, Mary Lou and everybody else have already called, and the lack of response from her mother is killing her. Stephanie licks the sugar off her fingertips and blows a sigh. She knows she'll have to have a long talk with her mother. Sooner or later.

The tall blonde woman in the silver Audi parked across the street takes another picture of Stephanie and smiles. She has found her target.

**-END of Punch 17:Do Not Sleep Under Coconut Trees!-**


	18. A Brown Tree Snake Lurking in Paradise

This is such an easy task that it's borderline boring. The tall, green-eyed blonde allows herself a small confident smirk and sipped her decaf black coffee. But hey, just like every other self-respected professional, she never complains about easy money and she always does her homework. She already knows more than plenty about her target, the two-bit Trenton bounty hunter Stephanie Plum, and she will use all the information to her ultimate advantage. No, she will have no problem finishing the job.

The blue-eyed brunette lives alone currently. Her couch farts, her mattress has a suspicious human shaped dent in the middle, and her bed frame moans like a dying rat. She has a strange and strong tendency to blows up cars and attract stalkers. Her weird and unhealthy relationship with local police detective Joe Morelli is more unbelievable than most cliché soap operas. She gets herself into trouble all the time but always wiggles out of it without any major damage. And somehow she always gets her man. Some says that's because she's truly lucky. Some says that's because her friends watch out for her and help her out every time.

But not this time. A beautiful smile blossoms on the cold-eyed blonde's vampire-pale face as her silver Audi follows Stephanie Plum's '53 powder blue Buick quietly and discreetly all the way back to the three-story apartment building.

**-END of Punch 18: A Brown Tree Snake Lurking in Paradise-**


	19. Climbing Up Diamond Head, Babe!

A shiver runs down Stephanie's spine the second she unlocks the door to her apartment. She's been having the familiar uneasy feeling of being watched ever since leaving the bonds office and now all of sudden it gets worse. She quickly locks the door again and slides the security chain into place. She didn't hear any suspicious sound or footstep, but she knows for certain that somebody just followed her into the apartment building. And something in the back of her mind tells her that this person is nothing like her usual crazy FTAs and psycho stalkers. This one is really bad news and means her real harm.

Stephanie can hear her heart beating like crazy in her ears. She is on the verge of hyperventilating and panic tears when she reaches a badly shaking hand into her shoulder bag for her phone. She wants to call Ranger for help but her fingertips touch her gun instead. Ranger loaded the gun and put it back into her bag this morning after giving her his trademark raised brow and a gentle yet slightly reproachful "babe". The memory of the look of caring, concern and amusement in his eyes calms Stephanie down almost immediately. She knows it will be too late when Ranger and his Merry Men finally arrive. She has to do something to save herself this time.

By the time the blonde code-named Fantasia silently and expertly slips inside the apartment like the shadow of some dangerous feral beast and lets out a furious, nearly inhuman growl upon finding the place empty, Stephanie has already steered Big Blue out of the parking lot toward RangeMan after stumbling as quietly as she could down the fire escape outside her bedroom window. She quickly blinks back a couple of tears and calls Ranger, and tells him the plate number of her newest stalker's car. None of her neighbors drive a silver Audi, and she saw the car at least twice in her rear mirror on her way back to the apartment. She can be observant if she puts her mind into it, you see.

**-END of Punch 19: Climbing Up Diamond Head, Babe!-**


	20. Punch 20: Smack a Snake With a Can of SPAM®

Stephanie Plum may not be a top notch bounty hunter like her mentor Ranger, but she surely has very good instinct.

Fantasia, the mysterious blonde who's currently after Stephanie, does know how to hunt, hurt and torture people. She has killed in cold blood before, and took great pleasure in them. She prides herself of being cruel, ruthless, tricky and sly, and she never hesitates to to use her supermodel-like look and perfect sexy body to her greatest advantage. However, this big bad she-wolf has her own blind spots, shortcomings and flaws like every normal bad guy and ordinary people.

Fantasia lets out a furious, nearly inhuman growl upon finding her target gone, and immediately starts venting her raging anger by trashing, smashing and destroying Stephanie's apartment and everything inside. She's in the middle of slashing Stephanie's clothes with the hunting knife in her gloved hand when something sharp hits her in the butt. Barely seconds later, she crumbles to the floor like a sack of rotten potatoes and sinks into a cold dark dream. The Hispanic man with two tear drop tattoos under the corner of his left eye puts his tranquilizer gun away and picks up and sheaths the woman's hunting knife as his muscular partner quietly and quickly cuffs, shackles their target, and seals her mouth with duct tape all in one smooth, fluid motion.

If Fantasia is anything like the self-respected professional she thinks she is, she should have realized that there is always something fishy about easy money. And she should have done her "homework" much, much more thoroughly.

You can mess with Zohan. You can mess with Texas. But you never mess with Ranger. Or his girl.

**-END of Punch 20: Smack a Snake With a Can of SPAM®-**


	21. Heʻe Hōlua

Sometimes, Jeanne Ellen just hates her life.

She's a highly trained professional. She's smart and clever. She's cool, calm and collected. She's rational and reasonable. She works really hard, makes good money, and has a very good reputation. She's beautiful, attractive and sexy as Hell. But sadly, she's still in love with a man who will never love her back. And, as if to add insult to injury, of all the women in the world, Ranger has to fall for Stephanie Plum, the infamous Bounty Hunter from Hell, aka the Ultra Magnet for Disasters and Stalkers. Jeanne Ellen wants to grab hold of Ranger's shoulders and shake him like a milkshake and ask him why. But she knows it will be useless and meaningless. Because there's no reason in love.

Jeanne Ellen lets of a sigh. She may never have Ranger's love, but she will always cherish his friendship and lend a helping hand whenever he needs it. So she narrows her eyes, squares her jaw, and vents all her anger and frustration on the two-bit criminal in front of her. And gets all the information Ranger needs out of Fantasia in under 2 minutes.

**-END of Punch 21: **Heʻe Hōlua** \- **


	22. Kilauea Erupts

William Eugene "Bill" Compton, the 53-year-old Bronx native who hired Fantasia to kidnap Stephanie, has good connection with the mob, and makes his living by selling women. You can see from the Rolex and the Cartier diamond bracelet on Bill's hairy white wrists that this 5" 9', 198 pounder is running a very profitable business. Everyday, women of all ages from around the world come to New York City, the Capital of the Universe, to chase their dreams. Many of them soon fail and lose themselves in the big city, and no one, not even the NYPD, will ever take notice when some of them just disappear. So, teens, twenties, or thirties. Asian, Latina, black or white. Blonde, brunette, redhead or Snow-White black. You name it, Bill has it. And sometimes he will take customized orders from his VIP customers if the price is right.

But Stephanie Plum is not for sale. Bill sips his blood red wine and looks out of the huge glass window overlooking the Manhattan skyline. He will keep her for himself. The Feds have been trying to put an end to his enterprise for a while, and just like everyone else in this business, he has enemies. Bill is never a greedy man, and he's smart enough to know when to call it quits. He will take Stephanie to his private island in the Caymans, and spend the rest of his life there with her. You see, Bill always has a thing for white women with wild brown curls and turquoise blue eyes, and the moment he saw Stephanie's picture in his drag queen half brother Freddy's iPhone, he knew they are meant for each other...William Eugene "Bill" Compton never sees who or what hit him in the butt. He is still smiling dreamily when he suddenly collapses onto the carpeted floor of his Manhattan penthouse apartment.

Too bad he doesn't know Stephanie is already taken.

**-END of Punch 22: Kilauea Erupts-**


	23. Hawaii Five-O, Anyone?

Most experienced FBI special agents and NYPD lieutenants often don't see eye to eye with each other, but they do have one thing in common. They are sick and tired of watching worthless human trash go free without paying the price for the crime with the help of greedy, soulless big shot lawyers. So they all know just when to turn their backs **,** close their eyes, cover their ears, and shut their mouths. They have too much crime to fight and too many criminals to catch with too little and limited resources. What's the point wasting their precious time and effort on unnecessary and meaningless questions? Beside, as everybody knows, the law is not always black and white. The fact that justice is served in its own way is good enough.

Therefore, nobody blinks or raises an eyebrow when they find that William Eugene "Bill" Compton, the notorious human trafficker, made a list of all his clients, confessed his crime, identified his accomplices and partners in crime, and donated all his property to charity in his will before ending his own life. No, they will never lose sleep over the loss of a criminal's life. Sometimes what must be done has to be done. Period.

Case closed.

**-END of Punch 23: Hawaii Five-O, Anyone?-**


	24. Babe Versus the Volcano

Stephanie Plum is never extremely intelligent or ambitious. She is a little bit silly, goofy, and sometimes so brave and stubborn to the extent of foolishness. She is curious by nature, has really good instinct and can be very observant. She can be smart, clever, or even sharp from time to time. And she's not naïve. She knows exactly why Ranger went to New York. And she has been trying desperately to convince herself to break up with Ranger ever since he stepped out of his serene 7th floor apartment.

Stephanie curls into a small ball on the couch and tries all she can not to scream out her worries, pain and frustration. All her things, including Rex's brand new portable cage, are already packed and piled by the apartment door. She has so many questions but none of them has a good answer. Why the hell does she always manage to attract the weirdest and worst kinds of stalkers? She hasn't gone after any crazy, dangerous or threatening FTAs lately, how come trouble keeps following her all around like some freaking homeless mutant puppy? And how can she keep letting the man she loves sacrifice and risk himself for her? What if something bad happens? What if Ranger gets hurt or worse while trying to protect her? How can she live with herself if his love for her will only bring him harm? What choice does she have but to do the best thing for the man she loves? Stephanie looks up as the door quietly opens and Ranger comes in. Suddenly she can no longer hold back her burning tears.

And how do you tell the man you love so much that you have to leave him to keep him safe?

**-END of Punch 24: Babe Versus the Volcano-**


	25. The Volcano Always Wins

Ranger steps into his apartment and quietly locks the door behind him. He drops his keys onto the silver plate and casts a casual glance at Stephanie's bags and Rex's cage before coming over to sit down beside her. He cups Stephanie's face with both his hands and looks straight into her teary eyes. He knows Stephanie will feel guilty and frightened. He knows she will want to run away. And he loves her even more for wanting to keep him safe. He remembers too well the fear and guilt on her pale white face when they first ran into each other in the bonds office after Abruzzi's suicide. And now he can clearly see all her fear, worries and doubt and the unspoken question she dares not ask:

Just how many times can a man kill for the woman he loves before finally getting bored?

Ricardo Carlos Manoso doesn't give a damn how Stephanie Plum manages to attract the weirdest and worst kinds of stalkers all the time. He will take care of them like he always does. Now that he has finally started a serious relationship with the woman he loves, he won't let go that easily. There is always a price for love, and he is willing to pay for it. "Trust me, Babe." He whispers softly and tenderly kisses Stephanie.

One-third of Stephanie's fear, doubt and worries evaporate the moment Ranger's warm hands cup her face. Another one-third disappears as she looks into his beautiful dark brown eyes and sees his love. And she has absolutely no idea what happens to the rest of them when his lips meet hers.

**-END of Punch 25: The Volcano Always Wins-**


	26. Mother of Pearl

Helen Plum bakes a cake. Her trademark super moist golden pineapple upside down cake. The birds are singing. The flowers are smiling. The sky is clear. And for once the air in New Jersey is not that bad. Helen's kitchen, just like everywhere else in her house, is orderly and spotless. She hasn't had a sip of her Wild Turkey for three whole days. And the cake is for her trouble maker of a daughter: Stephanie Plum, Trenton's very own Bombshell Bounty Hunter. Helen has finally decided it's time for a serious mother-daughter talk with Stephanie about the choices of her job, her life, and her..."male friends". Yes, she does realize that Stephanie is a 30-something grown-up woman. But enough is enough. And there's only so much a mother can tolerate.

Right now Helen Plum is determined to find out all the answers to her questions. She wants to know why Stephanie just can't settle down like all the other girls in the Burg. She wants to know how long Stephanie plans to keep on toying with her life. She wants to know why there is a ring on Stephanie's ring finger. And most important of all, she wants to know what Stephanie's relationship with Ranger really is. Helen lets out a tired sigh, picks up the phone, and dials Stephanie's number. Yes, she still wants to know what the heck happened in Hawaii. And it would be really nice if someone could tell her what the HELL happened to Joseph Morelli and his stupid diamond ring.

**-END of Punch 26: Mother of Pearl-**


	27. Paradise for Lovers, Indeed

Love surely is a most wonderful and strangest thing. It makes you strong. It makes you weak. It makes you brave. It makes you weep. It makes you fly. It breaks your wings. It makes you do all kinds of craziest things. And it makes you either a smart coward who pulls the blanket over her head pretending her cell phone is not ringing, or a doomed warrior who finally answers the call from her mother with a hand over her twitching eyes. Or both.

Stephanie Plum squirms and fidgets and winces and flinches in the passenger seat of Ranger's sleek black Porsche. She knows sooner or later she will have to have this serious face-to-face talk with her mother, but that realization doesn't help with her strained nerves and ulcers. She so wants to ask Ranger to come inside with her to give her courage and support. She so wants to tell Ranger to step on the gas and drive like Hell till they reach the end of the world. But, alas, she also knows that she has to do it and do it alone. With a defeated sigh, Stephanie reluctantly let go of Ranger's hand, gets out of the Turbo, slowly walks into her parents' house, and then half stumbles, half runs out of the front door and falls into his waiting arms minutes later.

Without a word Ranger buckles her seatbelt and drives back to Haywood. Inside the Plum residence, the golden super moist pineapple upside down cake lies forgotten on the dining table. The two cups of untouched Kona coffee has already gone cold. And in the deafening silence, Helen Plum sits numbly with her head in her hands. Her ears still ring with her younger daughter's words.

_"I don't care what Morelli thinks or wants!"_

_"He's not what I want!"_

_"I'm in love with Ranger!"_

_"And we just moved in together!"_

**-END of Punch 27: Paradise for Lovers, Indeed-**


	28. One Scoop of Mango Ice Cream Is All You Ever Need

The moment Ranger starts the engine to drive back to Haywood, Frank Plum turns off the TV and goes into the dining room to give his upset wife a warm hug and a tender kiss. He wants his wife and his daughter to be happy. He needs them both to be happy. He knows exactly what a testing task it is for an old-fashioned woman like Helen to have an untraditional child like Stephanie. He also realizes how hard it is for his younger daughter to try to live up to her mother's expectations. Frank kept his mouth shut and seldom intervened because like most Italian men his age, he believes that raising children is the woman's job. But now he has seen enough. He can no longer stand aside and do nothing. Sometimes you really mean well but still your words and action hurt those whom you love and need the most. And it kills him to see both Helen and Stephanie suffer.

"Stop worrying. It's her life to live." he tells his wife softly, "Everything will be just fine." As long as Stephanie's new boyfriend won't steal his cookies. With a smile Frank adds to himself silently.

Helen Plum rests her aching head against her husband's once muscled chest and finally lets out a sob. "I just want her to be happy."

"I know," Frank tightens his arms around his weeping wife and gently rocks her like a baby. "I know."

When Edna Mazur comes home from an early open casket viewing to find her daughter and son-in-law wrapped in each other's arms like a pair of lovebirds, she winks at Frank and gives him a thumb up before quietly going upstairs to her room. She may not always see eye to eye with this aged Italian Stallion, but she will try her best to tolerate him because he's the right man for her daughter.

**-END of Punch 28: One Scoop of Mango Ice Cream Is All You Ever Need**


	29. Reach Out for the Sunlight

And just like that, life gives its shoulder a casual shrug and then moves on, leaving all the unsolved problems and mysteries behind, as usual.

Edna Mazur and her son-in-law keep on fighting like cat and dog over every single little meaningless trifle. Helen Plum cuts down on her alcohol consumption, but still has yet to learn to cope with Stephanie's choice of man, job, and life. Connie and Lula team up and conspire to get all the hot, steaming secrets and details about Ranger's all too delicious perfect Mocha Latte body out of Stephanie. So far "black silk boxers" is all they got. Vinnie Plum remains a pervert who loves ducks and barn animals. Grandma Bella is still madly in love with Edward. Jeanne Ellen still hates her life. Hector still speaks absolutely _NO_ English, and his huge, quiet, muscular partner Blade has just adopted another cute, adorable kitten from Tank.

Inside the 7th floor apartment in the RangeMan building, Stephanie wakes up this beautiful sunny morning with a sudden, unyielding, brave determination to improve her gun skill, and immediately jumps on a still asleep Ranger to ask for his help and instruction. Two hours later, she holds her gun with both hands, fires, gapes at the 5 holes on the target paper, and starts cheering and dancing around her mentor like a 5-year-old on Christmas Eve while he's having a really hard time to decide if he should grin or sigh.

Ranger is indeed very much impressed by Stephanie's outstanding performance. He has never seen anyone done this before, and now he's almost rendered speechless. He's oddly happy for her, on some level, but still he has no choice but to break the obvious bad news to his Eliza Doolittle. He never lies to her, and isn't honesty the foundation of any healthy and successful relationship?

"Proud of you, Babe," A rare 10000 Watt full-on smile spreads across Ranger's face on its own accord. "Now try to fire with your eyes open this time."

- **END of Punch 29: Reach Out for the Sunlight-**

**~The End~**


	30. What Happened in Hawaii Stays in Hawaii

Wait!

Did you too have a feeling that we forgot something?

And a feeling that we left someone behind?

No?

Are you sure?

Really, really sure?

Still no?

OK. That's it, I guess.

The adventure of Ranger and Stephanie will continue in **_Naughty 19_** , anyways.

- **END of Punch 30: What Happened in Hawaii Stays in Hawaii-**

**~The Real Ending, I Promise~**


	31. The Lord of the Rings

"Come on, girlfriend, be brave, be smart!" Frederick "Fiona" Compton, Trenton bounty hunter Stephanie Plum's 47-year-old drag queen FTA urges earnestly as Stephanie looks down at the phone in her hand and bites her lips. "You love him, do you not? Take the chance and make him yours." His voice softens into a near whisper. "Don't let the man you truly love slip through your fingers. Don't live the rest of your life in regrets...like me."

They then sit in the splendid Hawaiian sunset and fall into a long silence, both thinking of the men they love dearly while listening to the sound of the waves crashing upon the golden beach. Finally, Stephanie lets out a long held breath, squares her shoulders, and pushes the speed-dial button on her phone. And asks her mentor, her Batman, her Man of Mystery to come to Hawaii.

**~End of Valentine Bonus Punch: The Lord of the Rings~**

 


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